It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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