Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
