life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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