so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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