She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
