In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
