he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
