you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
