i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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