does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im six kinds of drunk right now
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
