the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My vagina just clenched in fear
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
