for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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