The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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