i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Randomize
