A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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