I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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