How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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