I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
one might say we're banned from that church
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
