girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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