If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
