So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
