i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
