i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
