people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
