Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize