so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
