Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
