i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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