god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
