i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
