Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
