You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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