Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
