is your mom at the bar?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
