last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
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