Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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