Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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