Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
