Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
