Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
