I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
