Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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