I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize