So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
