I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
