for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
