You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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