i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
