life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You're like the curious george of whores
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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