Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
