Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
