...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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