he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
