I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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