I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
