We're facebook friends in real life
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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