apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
