The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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