He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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